Give Me Goemon or Give Me DEATH!

Every single time I turn on my Nintendo Wii I visit the Wii Shop Channel in the hopes that the codemonkeys there will have finally translated the best N64 title OF ALL TIME into playable form on the Wii. Inevitably, my hopes are dashed as not only are new games only released on Mondays (that's besides the point), but the N64 is THE MOST neglected of the Nintendo systems for transfer to the Virtual Console. What's up with that Nintendo? Why do you hate the N64? I think I speak for all Nintendo loyalists when I say that the 64 was the best last cartridge console to hit the market and deserves as much reverence as its predecessors. With that obvious fact being stated, where, I ask you, WHERE is the Mystical Ninja Starring Goemon? Hmm? I'll wait as long as it takes for a good answer to that one.

Still waiting.

I'm well aware that personal nostalgia has as much place in a public forum as inside jokes, but my love for this game goes back further than rubber baby buggy bumpers. I remember getting awesome in my parents' basement at the age of fourteen with Clark and whoever else, eating sandwiches and frozen pizzas at 1am, and playing the shit out of some Goemon. It was fucking epic. It made Gilgamesh look like a children's book. At the time, regardless of our presence in the desert (which makes everything funnier), the totally badass video game in question had us laughing nonstop and gaping in awe at the mind-blowing 3D graphics and gameplay, which involved controlling the titular spiky blue-haired character who gave Link a more than fair run for his money. The music and Japanese kitsch/humor went above and beyond the fellow console titles of the time, yet the game seems doomed to relative obscurity now as it was after its American release in 1997 (okay, so it sold 50,000 copies).

A prime example of the absurdity and fun is the theme song for the giant robot character Impact which is available thanks to the Tubes. Dash dash dash! You don't even need context to appreciate it.

Did I mention Goemon's weapon of choice is a fucking pipe? That was awesome to me as a combed-out-of-my-beard teenager and I still think it's far more wicked of a weapon than a sword or even a goddamn Panzerschrek. The Wikipedia article describes the humor of the plot as such: "a quest to thwart dancers in a peach-shaped spaceship from using laser weaponry to convert Japan to a giant stage and its citizens to loyal dancers." If that doesn't sound like the game of the century, then you need to get your own kiseru and a new perspective. I need the world with me on this so maybe some Monday soon, Goemon and his magic hookshot-like pipe will be staring back at me from the Wii Shop Channel and I can fork out the five or (god forbid) ten dollars to finally fill the gaping hole in the dark nether region where my life currently lies. I know, pipes can't stare. Also, don't judge me for being cheap. I think Nintendo should give me the game for free at this point since I've put up with much anguish and torment anticipating it's release. I should probably make a formal request.

Here goes:

Dear Nintendo,

Give me the motherfucking Mystical Ninja Starring Goemon or give me an AK-47 so I can end the misery of my existence. I will dye my hair blue and survive solely on dumplings if this will help sway your opinion and finally do what is right. Bring Goemon to the VC or I will continue to tell strangers that this game they've never heard of is the one thing lacking on the Wii. Please.
Thanks.

Love,

Knife :)